what to wear
Helen Harvester explains how to approach the seemingly daunting task of dressing for a night out and how to tap into your own clubbing style.";
TEXT HELEN HARVESTER feedback
In a 500-word essay, advise womankind on how to dress for a club. Fill three or four pithy paragraphs with ideas no one could have come across in the 20 magazines devoted to the subject that came out this month. State, disseminate and solve the problem thoroughly, even forensically, but with conversational charm. Be witty and unexpected, yet helpful and incisive. You have three hours. Begin. I had a lot of trouble with this article. Clothing is one of man’s more basic needs. Reproduction is another. Ever since human beings realized that the two are inextricably linked (i.e. the better you look, the easier it will be to get it on), the process of dressing had been one of our most agonizing tasks. Seen from this Darwinian perspective, choosing the right attire is a life and death matter. What you wear reflects not only your procreative availability, but your competence, your social intelligence, your income bracket, your mood, your interests, you name it. This is true every time you dress, morning or evening, winter or spring, work week or weekend warrior. One’s outfit is always important, but because the dressing process is a daily one we are able to make many of our choices subconsciously, out of habit. When the event you are dressing for is not a habitual one (a wedding, a date), the subconscious process of choosing an outfit rises to the surface. It is this sudden consciousness of the importance of clothing to our success as human beings, which makes dressing for a club so hard. While all that is interesting to ponder, it won’t help most girls decide between jeans and a Tshirt or a skirt and heels. The easiest way to make a decision is to decide upon a single objective and carry it through until you achieve your goal. Think of your evening as a single problem. Why do you go out? In particular, what is tonight’s objective? I’ve been thinking over my clubbing nights in terms of what I wore and how, er, successful I felt the next morning, and I think I’ve found a pattern: confidence. If you can walk into a club filled with well-being and self-love, you are almost guaranteed to get what you want. Don’t rely on what you wear to make you look like what you think other people consider attractive. Be the attractive person first. The clothes you wear must only heighten, ensure and maintain your pre-existing self-confidence. What does this mean in practice? First make sure your objective is clear. Is this a girls’ night? Do you just want to relax? Then dress to feel pretty, not alluring. Low heels or sneakers, pants, a comfortable top in a color and cut that suits you, a very simple hairstyle and minimal makeup should keep your spirits up and tell the men folk you don’t want to be hit on. Are you going clubbing with a date? Be as sexy as you can (confidently) be. Remind yourself that the place will be full of single young fillies with one thing on their minds and, after four cocktails, no conscience in sight. In this situation, especially if you’ve been dating a while, dress to heighten your intimacy as a couple. This means sheer undies, thigh highs, that extremely uncomfortable lace thong, whatever it takes to keep you on his mind while he’s checking out the ladies. Finally, if hooking up is your game, but you really don’t want a one-night stand, consider this somewhat odd advice: wear the most comfortable underwear you own. The more coverage the better. That way, you’ll be (a) less likely to go all the way with a complete stranger; (b) if you do, he might not think you intended to, and might not treat you like a prostitute. Pens down. |
